I've been away from home so long I'm having a hard time getting back on track. The streets seem unfamilar. The parks bland. The faces blend together. I feel more like a gaijin than an actual citizen. Everything feels strange and dead. My friends here are excited to hear about my trip, shocked when I turn down cigars and beer, even more shocked when I pick up my bass and play it like I've never touched one in my life.
I spent a lot of time thinking about this new feeling I have. I equate it to what people who mysteriously wake up from 20 year comas must feel like. I know, in my mind, that everything is still the same, while, at the same time, everything feels different. Like, I know my new apartment is mine, but when I look at the new walls and new furniture, none with stories I can relate to yet, it feels surreal. I'm in a haze. I've forgotten basic manners. I've reverted to something much more primal; living and breathing only to train my body, unable to condition my mind.
I ran nearly all day yesterday. I did push-ups on my thumbs first. If you've ever attempted this, you know how painful it can be, especially if you're first starting to do it, or if your body is just fucking heavy, no matter how your muscle mass is accumulated. I popped my right thumb, thought for sure that I had dislocated it. But, no. So I went for a run. Which turned into an all day thing, where every hour I would intensify it. I wasn't like Forest Gump and I'm not superhuman. I stopped for short breaks to catch my breath. Even still, I nearly collasped several times, but I kept going. Lately my goal is to try to push my limits as far as they'll go; the point of no return just before your mind gives the okay to your body to allow for collapse. It's okay if you don't get it, it sounds crazy to most people. I visited a doctor and several nutritionists. While all are against that kind of stress, they've given the go ahead as long as I know and listen to what my body is telling me. I've started adding on healthy amounts of muscle mass. Not too much, but enough. I'm slowly beginning to transition. I'd like to start learning a hand to hand art.
I got another tattoo. It didn't sting as much.
I almost drank yesterday. I feel completely irrational and angry at the world. I enjoy taking that anger out on people I don't know.
Yes, I know I'm a bastard. Money doesn't create class, I recognize this. I'll still always be that street punk who only went to a good school because my mom killed herself at three jobs to make sure I wasn't lacking in anything the rich kids at the neighborhood across the street had because my father barely acknowledged he HAD a son. It's funny to reread that sentence, thinking back. I never really appreciated my mother's sacrifice. I skipped class a lot, and when I did go to school, I got in fights between classes, slept in class, and bummed notes off my brainiac best friend. While not a sociopath, I wanted to put that fear into other people, so I enjoyed coming off as apathetic and violent at best. But, I digress.
I wanted to go into Tokyo today. I already know that won't happen. My computer is American lawls, so the date and time is wrong. Funny. At least I believe them to be wrong. Aside from the movements of the sun, I don't really care about the time.
I'm definitely dying my hair that funky shiny, metallic purple I showed all of you. My hair has grown an inch since I got home, no shit, so now at the back it hangs a full 7 inches. The longest I've allowed the back to get ever. I'm thinking of gauging my ear lobes out too.
...!! I just hit myself in my eyebrow piercing and it started bleeding. Funny. Or, bizarre, as per the new 'it' word everyone is using right now.
I have to go meet some people now. Maybe I'll still keep updating this every so often; if not about personal things, then as a record for the development in my training.
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