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Current Music:Redemption by Gackt
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Subject:If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied..illuminate the NOs on their Vacancy signs..
Time:10:42 pm
Current Mood:apatheticAwake, but far from alive.
I've been away from home so long I'm having a hard time getting back on track. The streets seem unfamilar. The parks bland. The faces blend together. I feel more like a gaijin than an actual citizen. Everything feels strange and dead. My friends here are excited to hear about my trip, shocked when I turn down cigars and beer, even more shocked when I pick up my bass and play it like I've never touched one in my life.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this new feeling I have. I equate it to what people who mysteriously wake up from 20 year comas must feel like. I know, in my mind, that everything is still the same, while, at the same time, everything feels different. Like, I know my new apartment is mine, but when I look at the new walls and new furniture, none with stories I can relate to yet, it feels surreal. I'm in a haze. I've forgotten basic manners. I've reverted to something much more primal; living and breathing only to train my body, unable to condition my mind.

I ran nearly all day yesterday. I did push-ups on my thumbs first. If you've ever attempted this, you know how painful it can be, especially if you're first starting to do it, or if your body is just fucking heavy, no matter how your muscle mass is accumulated. I popped my right thumb, thought for sure that I had dislocated it. But, no. So I went for a run. Which turned into an all day thing, where every hour I would intensify it. I wasn't like Forest Gump and I'm not superhuman. I stopped for short breaks to catch my breath. Even still, I nearly collasped several times, but I kept going. Lately my goal is to try to push my limits as far as they'll go; the point of no return just before your mind gives the okay to your body to allow for collapse. It's okay if you don't get it, it sounds crazy to most people. I visited a doctor and several nutritionists. While all are against that kind of stress, they've given the go ahead as long as I know and listen to what my body is telling me. I've started adding on healthy amounts of muscle mass. Not too much, but enough. I'm slowly beginning to transition. I'd like to start learning a hand to hand art.

I got another tattoo. It didn't sting as much.

I almost drank yesterday. I feel completely irrational and angry at the world. I enjoy taking that anger out on people I don't know.

Yes, I know I'm a bastard. Money doesn't create class, I recognize this. I'll still always be that street punk who only went to a good school because my mom killed herself at three jobs to make sure I wasn't lacking in anything the rich kids at the neighborhood across the street had because my father barely acknowledged he HAD a son. It's funny to reread that sentence, thinking back. I never really appreciated my mother's sacrifice. I skipped class a lot, and when I did go to school, I got in fights between classes, slept in class, and bummed notes off my brainiac best friend. While not a sociopath, I wanted to put that fear into other people, so I enjoyed coming off as apathetic and violent at best. But, I digress.

I wanted to go into Tokyo today. I already know that won't happen. My computer is American lawls, so the date and time is wrong. Funny. At least I believe them to be wrong. Aside from the movements of the sun, I don't really care about the time.

I'm definitely dying my hair that funky shiny, metallic purple I showed all of you. My hair has grown an inch since I got home, no shit, so now at the back it hangs a full 7 inches. The longest I've allowed the back to get ever. I'm thinking of gauging my ear lobes out too.

...!! I just hit myself in my eyebrow piercing and it started bleeding. Funny. Or, bizarre, as per the new 'it' word everyone is using right now.

I have to go meet some people now. Maybe I'll still keep updating this every so often; if not about personal things, then as a record for the development in my training.
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Current Music:In the Kitchen - R. Kelly
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Subject:I'm taking Sara naughty costume shopping today.
Time:02:01 am
Current Mood:contentcontent
My Best Friend

She has pretty eyes and laughs at me when I feel nervous about the deep end of the pool. It's not that she can swim and I can, because, in reality, I can swim and she can't. Really, it's because her pool goes to five feet (which is more like 5'6" when it rains) and I don't like swimming while she's doing aqua aerobics.

My arm fits around her waist perfectly, even though she dwarfs me in a Katie Holmes- Tom Cruise way. People think we look cute together, then we have fun telling them that I'm really her brother - a bastard that's the result of her navy father's port hopping. They look skeptical and quietly ashamed. It's never really funny, but we laugh for 20 minutes anyway. When her heart hurts, I drive alllllll the way from my house through rush hour traffic just to watch t.v. while she falls asleep two speeding tickets and five bouts of road rage later.

Her mom looks at me like I'm perpetually looking to get laid.

She laughs at my worst jokes to spare me social anxiety and tells me that I'm really not as bad as everyone thinks I am.

I hurt when she does. I don't know what I'll do without her. I can't help her. I've never felt so weak.

My Girlfriend

She's sweet and submissive. A virgin, she innocently suggests some of the dirtiest things she can think of to entice me. She reminds me of a tween sometimes, how a little pressure and I can get her to do anything I want her to.

Some days, I pity her. Some days, I don't want her to touch me. Some days, I can't stand her.

I'm planning on bruising her and making her think I'm a monster. I purposely leave marks on her skin. We went rollerblading on the beach and I bought her a virgin drink when she wanted an alcoholic one. I think she looks sloppy when she's drunk. It's embarassing. My friends are interested in her bukkake style, but the idea grosses me out.

She's really good at massaging my back after I've been training.

Her mom looks at me hopefully, like you'd look at a cheeseburger after days of starvation or as though I have a diamond ring on layaway in France. She wants to marry me, get knocked up, be taken care of.

She's vulnerable. I thrive on both tormenting her and protecting her.

I enjoy how she adores me. Our relationship is sick and useful. I'm excited to see her, but half of the excitement is that I get to act like I'm not excited which bothers her.

I think her sister is looking to fuck me.
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Current Location:Hell with gasoline boxers on.
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Subject::'|
Time:03:56 pm
Current Mood:infuriatedinfuriated
You're both like giggly school girls. It's fucking gross.

I hate that I'm so angry and betrayed by this.

I voice my opinion. I try to help.

People don't change.

Whatever. I've washed my hands of the entire situation.

Neither of you have to worry about my ass anymore.

Fuck off.
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Subject:If you were me, what would you do? Always a lie, and never the truth.
Time:12:56 am
Current Mood:aggravatedaggravated
See, this is exactly why I didn't want ANOTHER fucking girlfriend.

I swear to God, every girl should be required to have a psychiatric evaluation. If she's crazy, they should mark her. With a scarlet letter or something. Guys should be warned. From my experience, females have a system like this. They actually warn each other about certain guys. So why are guys too stupid to band together in this fashion?

So, Sara. Yes. She's the crazy girl in question. She waited on my doorstep in the rain for 3 hours and when I got home, and found her, the first thing she says is, "I thought you were sick. Where have you been?"

"Uh. Out apparently." Obviously. Normal people would have figured this out in the first 5 minutes and went home. Or, if she was waiting purely to chew me out, she could have sat in the car. But she waited in the rain. Women. Always with the guilt trip approach.

"You didn't answer my question," she says. Futhermore, "Don't you even care that I've been standing out here for like 4 hours because I came to check on you because you sounded like you were DYING on the phone."

I knew I had forgotten something with Sara. I had yet to give her the Speech. So I did. She took it pretty hard, harder in fact than most other girls I've dated. There are many speeches given at certain intervals in a relationship. It's a system me, Poptart, Bri, and Lily devised. And all of them have fucking broken it for some person or another. At least I've remained true. At the beginning of the relationship, less than a month in and prior to any sort of physical activity, you give the 'Look, I'm not looking for anything serious right now' speech, that includes guidelines for situations where they 'wonder where you are'. Because, really, it's none of their business unless the information is volunteered. You don't have to know every detail of my day. I don't want to know every detail of yours either. Don't go through my phone. I shouldn't have to worry about leaving you in my room or around my laptop for an undisclosed amount of time. If you find something shady, obviously, it's there for a reason, so quit prying before I have to make you disappear (AS IN BREAK UP WITH THEM. I realize I have a violent reputation, so I thought that statement needed clarification). If you don't trust me, after all, what the hell do you want with me?

So, after the speech, she opens up her coat. Let me tell you, I would have been pissed too if I were a girl. I mean, she had to be freezing in what she was wearing...if you can call that wearing something. Use you imaginations. I think virgins are the biggest nymphos alive. Unlike people who've had sex, they think they're missing something by not having sex, whereas us, the non-virgin population, know better. I had to ask whatever higher power there was for strength of will. Somehow, I managed to send her home. Maybe things would have been different if we'd started dating before, but as it stands, she knew what she was getting into with my sex free lifestyle. Silly girl.

Oh, and by the way, I know you read my journal Sara. The least you could do is comment like a sweet girlfriend.

I need a Mac. :(
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Subject:Polly want a new home? Hellz yeah.
Time:05:07 pm
Current Mood:annoyedannoyed
My mom's fucking parrot is driving me nuts. I knew something was wrong, when I started thinking about ways to poison the bastard. I had to escape the house.

It's Earth Day right, so I went to the park to jog, work out, get some fresh air. I took my kashina bokken with me, because my other ones are starting to feel too light. Which is probably how I keep fucking breaking them. So, I'm practicing and minding my own business when some guys around my age (within a year or two) come up to me. They were talking to me, but I wasn't paying much attention until one of them asked what belt I was.

"Belt? What?"

Their explaination was like, brown or black, mostly they drawled in the way only people who live in Virginia can. They explained to me what school they were from. Immediately the term 'black belt factory' came to mind. When I told them that I wasn't any 'belt', they pretty much insulted me. Which, no matter what martial art you practice, to have your skills insulted is more than an insult to you. It's an insult to the person that trained you along with your entire school. These matters are not to be taken lightly. They knew I was pissed off. They knew I wanted to shred them with my bare hands. But I stood there, silently. The patience I've learned. Then they asked me if I was any good without a weapon. Who were these guys kidding?

"You mean hand-to-hand? Wanna try me?"

One guy was bold enough to step up. I was pissed off when one of his friends suggested it was a bad idea because I was 'Asian'. Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, etc...really fucked us over. Assuming all Asian people know martial arts is like assuming we're all smart with stubby dicks. I understand fully now why most English people I've met hate Hugh Grant.

I won't pretend that I was trained under any school to do hand to hand combat, but I can also tell that the school this guy came from had no significant lineage. He had fancy footwork, but that was it. He couldn't even get a hit on me, but I fucked him up pretty badly. He got pissed and called me a cheater, stating that what I was doing wasn't real martial arts. I laughed. Psh. That bitch asked me if I was any good without a weapon, he didn't say it had to be martial arts. I'm a grappling, rough-ass son of a bitch. My honorable fighting only comes when I have a sword in hand. Police were called. He's pressing charges so he can sue me for damages. The good news is he won't be able to suck more than 10 grand out of me. The bad news is, this just furthers the reasons why I hate Americans.

Revenge is a dish best serve cold. While I got him back for all his smart ass comments about my skill and Asians in general, I'm going to have to pay for it. And all because a bird was getting on my nerves.

So I ask you, anonymous members of Livejournal, was it worth it?
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Current Music:Plans - Deathcab for Cutie
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Subject:And now the stateline felt like the Berlin Wall. And there was no doubt which side I was on.
Time:10:03 pm
Current Mood:contemplativecontemplative
I've been casually dating Sara for the past two weeks. Casually being the key term. It was VERY casual, at least to me. I just got out of an overly serious relationship, I'm not looking to plunge into another one. I like that we have fun and that she doesn't give me shit about my choosen lifestyle. God help her, she actually just likes hanging out with me. And, I know I give her a lot of shit all the time, but to her own credit, Sara is hot. If not also socially inept. With low self esteem. And clingy.

I always attract the goddamn clingy girls.

In other news, my mother has gotten in on the act. She wakes me up early for a nice sXe breakfast (which consists of a shitty food, like Cheerios with 2% milk). Then I go work out in the gym room in the house for like 5 hours. My abs look amazing. I could shatter someone's fist against them. Hahahaha. Not really, but you get the point. I have salad for lunch. A light dinner. I resist the temptation that shady women in nightclubs offer. Resist the booze. Resist the fucking nicotine cravings I've been having all week that have made me an absolute bitchy bastard. However, don't get the wrong impression. I love being straight edge. I've never felt so clean. Inwardly at least, I've always showered and bathed, so I was always clean on the outside. My focus has increased by double now that I've taken all the bad things out of my life. No sex is tough though. Have you ever said had to say no when a girl is grinding all over you and giving you that definite seductive "Let's go" look? And then to have to say, "Uh, sorry." Then, add cheesily, "I can't. Straight edge." Which only makes them try harder, because now you're a challenge. Like a priest or a monk. You know, a freak that's celibate by choice. No way! Girls are just trouble anyway.


Before I close, I just want to say, I'M NOT OLD. DON'T FORGET I CAN FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE. MY SOURCE IS ONE OF THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU.
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Current Location:Not quite where soul meets body, VA
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Subject:A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.
Time:02:44 am
Current Mood:apatheticapathetic
Maybe I lied a few entries down. I've kept a secret, or two, or three.

But I'm fully prepared to come clean.

1) That song my band recorded that I promised wasn't about you, was. I felt really guilty once I realized you really liked it.

2) I've never really liked any of your boyfriends. They're all highly fucked up in some manner, either emotionally or mentally.

3) I'm the one who told the Mrs. Abrams in 9th year that you skipped class. I was pissed that you ditched me. What's worse, I didn't feel bad when you got suspended.

4) I lost my big V a full year before you (and everyone else) actually thinks it took place. I was just embarassed about it.

5) That last night you were here, my heart was racing and I woke up every 10 minutes and you kneed me in the crotch. It was the worst fucking night's sleep of my life. But I wouldn't trade it in, even for a four girl of varying nationality orgy.

6) Alec admitted that he fucked up and you're the only girl he ever loved. OH, wait. That's not my secret. (Ha. It's true. I just told it because Alec, cousin or not, is a douche and I'm glad I'm the reason his fucking perfection is screwed up with a scar).

7) I'm not exactly sure when my birthday is. Even before the accident. I just know the year and season. I never cared very much about it.

8) I was only half joking about travelling this summer. I really want to, if you want to.

9) I think the school thing is bullshit. Especially if it makes you miserable. So drop out and move to Japan with me.

10) I sang songs on the phone with your roommate, even though you told me not to. I'm the one who told her to sing the 'My Humps' song to you.

I'd ask you to come clean, but livejournal doesn't have enough storage space. Joking. Just joking.

The end.
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Current Music:The Purple Seeds ~ Her Tears
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Subject:Update
Time:08:32 pm
Current Mood:cheerfulcheerful
So, the music thing. The school thing. It's all so great right now. I'm happier now than I've been in quite awhile. Well, due to the accident, I'm not completely sure when the last time I was this happy was. Oh well.

My bass skills and my voice are so amazing to me recently. My voice particularly. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate tooting my own horn, but it sounds great to me recently. My kendo skills have improved significantly, though that's something I definitely miss Kobe for. I mean, America is great, but it's not exactly the best environment to hone my skills.

My personal life has become nearly non-existant. I've talked to Harini a few times since the huge blowout, but I amazed myself when I just woke up one day and realized I really didn't miss her nearly as much as I thought I did. My friends are amazing, LIFE is amazing. Right now, as far as a new relationship goes, if one comes along and catches my fancy, that's cool. Otherwise, I'm just as fine. I'm at this point where I feel so great about myself that I can be with someone or not with someone and it's still all good.

My family relations haven't gotten much better. My mother tries to act strong, like it doesn't bother her, but she feels the growing hostility between me and her boyfriend. I'm really not trying to force them apart. I'm thinking about transferring to a different school, maybe back in Japan, just to make things better for her. I don't want her to choose. I don't want her to feel like she should have to choose.

At the same time that all this good stuff is going on, I must admit, I've also never felt so vulnerable to other people. Me and Poptart have always been vulnerable to each other, but that's a bestfriend thing. I mean, in general. I've become a lot more sensitive to certain things, like Alec's distance from the rest of the family, my mom's bitterness over her lack of wealth AND over the fact that, essentially, I AM wealthy. Money that's shortly going to be all mine. I would, of course, make sure that she's properly taken care of, but just her. Not that asshole she's dating. Technically, once I inherit, I won't even need school. Everything is so well taken care of that it'll last long after my lifetime, even with a luxuary filled lifetime.

I've recently been feeling so close-minded. I have like, the same circle of close friends and no one else. I want, not necessarily 'new' friends, but more friends. Blegh, yeah.


POPTART I MISS YOU, KAY?
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Subject:Thoughts on love.
Time:10:22 pm
Current Mood:jealousjealous
Britt's mom finally got in touch with me. It isn't that I was avoiding her really, but I already knew what she was going to say. When I called her, it was no different than what I thought.

"Have you heard from Britt? Because, you know, the other day I told her to go get her blood pressure checked because something is really wrong if she's getting dizzy all the time."

People are so fucking amusing and amazing at the same time. Some people who claim to be close to her and her fucking friend or whatever, don't even really know her at all. But they think they do and that is how they become both amusing and amazing at the same time.

Ever heard the saying, "The man who knows something knows that he knows nothing at all"? That is the secret around the very foundation that makes that incredible, amazing, special person. A lot of people don't understand what keeps us friends. Honestly, it's love. Of a non-romantic variety, which is what makes it so much better than any other sort of love. It's complete understanding; an unconditional acceptance. Which, no matter what anyone thinks, is not something that can be found in a romantic relationship. You can't even really get it from your parents. In fact, if there was ever any romantic feelings in our friendship, I would end it. Right there on the spot. I would rather have the memory of a beautiful friendship then something unexplainable and flawed. I feel just that strongly about it and her.

Which is why I absolutely fucking hate the way she's been acting lately. Before I lost my memory and after I began getting my memories back I loved telling people about my best friend. "My bestfriend is better than yours." "My bestfriend is hotter than yours. In fact, she's hotter than you." "My bestfriend is definitely cooler than yours." She still is all of those things, but something is also different there. She is a lot more quiet and secretive, which, with other people, I wouldn't give a fuck. But with me? That fucking hurts more than you would believe. I tell her EVERYTHING. Seriously. Ever had a converstation with someone and held back? I don't. Not with her anyway. As gross as it may sound to someone who doesn't love someone this much, I would give her a fucking organ if she needed it. If I was a blood match and she needed a transplant, seriously, I'd commit suicide so they could harvest my heart and give it to her. That's how serious about this I am.

There are so many emotions people can waste, so, if you can't love intensely, then what can you do that intensely? I wanted to throttle her today through the phone when I told her about what her mom talked to me about. She basically had this 'what do you care?' sort of attitude. I cried for an hour. I never cry.

I care. A lot, you bitch.

Love you.
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Subject:Emo Weekend.
Time:11:18 pm
Current Mood:crankycranky
If I'm assuming correctly then, Harini and I broke up today. I've felt it coming, I knew it would, and yet I'm even more so broken hearted. I thought if she ever broke up with me that I'd hate her, but I can't. I can't hate the person that I'm madly in love with, even though I'm hurt. I've never loved anyone romantically as much as I love her, and I don't believe I'll ever love anyone that strongly again. When you fall in love you take a risk, you throw your heart out on the line and for nearly a year I felt like the most special and loved person in the world. She made me feel so wonderful, until about a month ago. We started going days without talking, and having short conversations when we would talk. I've been in pain since that day out of nowhere when she decided to herself that she couldn't take it anymore and showed it through her actions to me. She's not a bad girlfriend, don't get me wrong. She's wonderful, the second most wonderful person I know. I'll always be in love with her because as corny as it sounds, when you love someone like I love her and for the amount of time that I've loved her, it's hard to move on because a big chunk of your heart belongs to them. Not physically speaking because that'd be kind of gross, but emotionally I'm stuck on her.

Will I ever love again? More than likely, yes. But I'll never love anyone (again, romantically) as much. I want to stay her friend, and still save up to go on that trip with her- as a friend. And then maybe something could evolve again from that. At least, that's what I hope. I wanted to spend forever with her, I still want that no matter how much this hurts, I still want to be with her. I can't see myself being with anyone else. I don't want to see myself with anyone else.

However, at the same time, I don't know how much I want to really be with someone who could hurt me so badly for such a bullshit reason. I think that's primarily why I always stay on Britt's ass about some of the decisions she's been making lately. She told him, damn near begged for him to, break up with her. And he didn't, this time, and she's glad. But next time she decides to go all emo, what then? Maybe he'll make a different decision, and I wonder how happy she'd be then? When suddenly that future that she wanted so badly, isn't an option anymore.

I guess, what it comes down to, is that I'm so sick and tired of all the immature behavior going on around me. Sara whining about not having a boyfriend, Britt at this weird point of confusion about her future and life. I mean, she really had me worried over the weekend as to whether or not she was going to see Tuesday. And that was really scary. Everyone, even me, I think it's just time that we grew up a little. The same things that worked in grade school, don't work anymore. Grow up time.
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[icon] They Wouldn't Let Me Practice Sumo
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